Navigating the world of dating as an ethically non-monogamous (ENM) guy presents a set of unique challenges. Whether you’re searching for casual flings, long-term connections, or something in between, finding partners who are genuinely open to or comfortable with ENM can be tricky. From dating apps to real-life interactions, the journey is full of ups and downs, but it can also be incredibly rewarding. Here’s a breakdown of what I’ve learned along the way.
Online Dating: A Rollercoaster of Trial and Error
Dating apps have become more inclusive, but even as ENM is slowly becoming more mainstream, the digital landscape can still feel like a minefield. How you present yourself, particularly in your profile, makes a huge difference in both the type of attention you attract and how potential partners respond. It’s about striking a balance between honesty and avoiding words that could get your profile flagged (even unintentionally).
Approaches I’ve Tried (and What Worked)
- Not Mentioning ENM in My Profile
A friend of mine swears by this tactic, where they wait until a face-to-face meeting to disclose their non-monogamous status. This approach leads to more matches upfront since you’re not limiting your potential pool. But, in my experience, it can lead to disappointment and broken connections. Transparency from the start is more my style, and I’ve found it difficult to build an authentic connection when I’m holding back such an important part of my relationship life. Sure, you may get more “matches,” but you also risk losing someone down the line when they discover you aren’t offering what they expected. - Dropping Hints and Waiting to Chat
This was my go-to strategy for a while. I’d leave subtle clues in my profile—something that hinted at an unconventional relationship setup but didn’t spell it out. Eventually, as the conversation progressed, the topic would come up naturally. While this method gave me some success, it also had its drawbacks. In some cases, the person would become emotionally invested in me, and though I was clear about my ENM status, they would mentally push it aside, hoping that something might change. Eventually, it led to them feeling unfulfilled, and the relationship would end due to unmet expectations. - Being Upfront in My Profile
Nowadays, I’ve opted for full transparency. My profile explicitly states that I’m polyamorous, with a primary partner. It’s not the centerpiece of my bio, but it’s clear enough that there’s no confusion. Sure, this reduces the number of matches I get, but the quality of conversations and potential connections skyrockets. I no longer waste time on people who are uncomfortable with my relationship style, and the ones who swipe right are more aligned with what I’m seeking.
Thoughts on Popular Dating Apps
Each app has its own pros and cons for ENM folks, and I’ve tried quite a few of them.
- Tinder: It didn’t work out for me—quite literally. My partner and I were banned for mentioning polyamory in our profiles. Someone reported us, and it was an instant shutdown. While Tinder may work for some ENM people, my advice is to tread lightly. You’re always at the mercy of someone else’s interpretation of the rules.
- OKCupid: I used this back in its heyday, and it was a fairly good experience. It allows for more customization of relationship preferences, and I had a few successful connections. Nowadays, though, I don’t use it as much.
- Bumble: This is currently one of my main apps. It allows users to pick non-monogamy as a relationship style, which simplifies things. While the ENM crowd on Bumble isn’t huge, I’ve had some great conversations and even met my second ENM partner through the app.
- Facebook Dating: Some friends swear by it, but I haven’t had much luck here. To be fair, I haven’t invested much effort into it either, so your mileage may vary.
- Feeld: This app is an absolute haven for ENM individuals. It’s designed with non-traditional relationship structures in mind, so you can openly discuss your desires without worrying about getting flagged or judged. I met my first ENM partner on Feeld, and I’ve found it to be a fantastic platform for finding people who are on the same page.
- Reddit: While not a dating app per se, certain subreddits serve as great platforms for finding partners. I’ve had significant success here, including meeting my current partner, who I’ve been with for over 1.5 years. Reddit allows for niche communities, and the ability to openly discuss what you’re looking for makes it easier to find like-minded people.
For Feeld and Reddit, I customize my profile to reflect my exact desires, kinks, and relationship style. It filters out mismatches quickly and connects me with people who share similar interests.
Real-Life Dating: Where the Magic Happens
Though online dating has its place, real-life interactions have brought me some of the best connections, especially for short-term or casual relationships. My primary partner, for example, met her current boyfriend at a local karaoke bar. However, when it comes to bars, I’ve noticed that the dynamic can be tougher for guys, especially in male-dominated spaces.
Lifestyle Clubs: A Better Option for ENM Guys
Lifestyle clubs (like M4) are where I’ve had the most success. These spaces are designed for people who are already part of the non-monogamous or kink community, so finding like-minded partners is easier. Not only is the atmosphere more open, but people come to these places looking for the same things, which reduces the need for long-winded explanations about your relationship setup.
For men looking to succeed at these clubs, here are a few key tips:
- Don’t Wrap Yourself in a Towel Immediately
Trust me on this. Walking onto the dance floor wrapped in a towel gives off a vibe that many women find off-putting. It’s not a beach; it’s a club. Unless the event explicitly calls for dressing down, stay clothed and focus on making a positive impression. - Dress to Impress
If all the single guys are dressed, how do you stand out? One of the best moves I ever made was upgrading my style at these clubs. I usually opt for a suit or vest with rolled-up sleeves. Putting in that extra effort to look sharp goes a long way. It signals that you respect yourself and the people you’re hoping to connect with. In my experience, this shift has been a game changer—now, instead of hunting for partners on the dance floor, people approach me.
Conclusion: Finding Your Groove
As an ENM guy, dating can be a bit more complex. But with the right strategies and mindset, it’s absolutely possible to find meaningful and fun connections. Whether you’re looking online or meeting people in real life, the key is to be honest, confident, and willing to put in the effort. Write a profile that reflects who you truly are, engage in meaningful conversations, and never underestimate the power of dressing well. You might not get the highest number of matches, but the connections you do make will be much more aligned with your goals.
Patience, persistence, and authenticity will take you far in this journey.
