Boundaries play a crucial role in the Ethical Non-Monogamy (ENM) lifestyle. They foster safety, comfort, and happiness among all involved. In this post, I’ll share insights on boundaries from my perspective as a member of a throuple, but these principles apply to long-term couples, new partners, and any ENM dynamic.
Relationship Boundaries
Relationship boundaries define the parameters of who we can date, the activities we can engage in, and who can be included in our polycule. These guidelines are shaped by open discussions where everyone expresses their comfort levels, and we adhere to the most restrictive rules to ensure everyone’s peace of mind.
For instance, in a throuple where two partners are comfortable dating others without needing permission, but the third partner prefers to check in before adding new connections, we respect that desire. This means we all communicate when considering a new partner, creating a harmonious environment for everyone.
Play Boundaries
Play boundaries refer to the activities permitted in intimate settings. To ensure a smooth experience, it’s vital to discuss these boundaries before engaging in any play. Having these conversations in advance eliminates the need for interruptions to ask if a specific act is acceptable, as those preferences have already been established.
I often remind others that any rule can be adjusted by the person who created it. For example, if someone decides they are no longer comfortable with a particular activity, they can request to stop without any negative consequences. Flexibility is key—no one should feel obligated to continue doing something they’re uncomfortable with, even if they initially agreed.
Recognizing Red Flags
A significant red flag in ENM relationships is when someone claims they have no boundaries. Everyone has limits, and when faced with an extreme example, they often realize their boundaries exist. If someone insists they have no boundaries, it’s worth having a deeper conversation about their true comfort levels.
The Evolution of Boundaries
The boundaries we set at the beginning of our ENM journey are likely different from those we have today. Especially early on, our boundaries evolved as we explored our preferences and discovered what we enjoyed—or didn’t. After each outing, we would discuss any adjustments we wanted to make to our rules, reflecting on what worked well and what didn’t.
While our rules change less frequently now as we’ve established a framework that suits us, we still make occasional temporary adjustments. For example, if we haven’t spent quality time together as a couple for a while, we might decide to only engage with others together that night. I typically ask my partner about any additional boundaries during our car ride to an outing, keeping the lines of communication open.
Conversely, I encourage my partners to feel empowered to request looser boundaries to allow them to explore. These open discussions help us navigate different scenarios, allowing us to either maintain our current boundaries or try new ones with some guidelines in place. This ongoing dialogue is essential for our growth and understanding.
Final Thoughts
Effective communication of boundaries, coupled with respect for the boundaries of others, is fundamental to successful ENM relationships. By fostering an environment where everyone feels safe and heard, we can cultivate deeper connections and enrich our experiences together.
