Our six-year journey into Ethical Non-Monogamy (ENM) and polyamory has been an incredible experience of growth, connection, and learning. Here’s a look at how we started, the challenges we faced, and how our boundaries evolved over time.
The Beginning: Learning the Ropes
Just three months into our relationship, my primary partner and I discovered Oasis Aqualounge, a popular lifestyle club in Toronto. Our relationship was strong, and our sex life was thriving, so we decided to explore how this new experience could enhance what we already had.
On our first visit, we were surprised to see everyone comfortably walking around naked. After spending time picking out the perfect outfit, this was unexpected—but we embraced it. With everyone else also nude, shedding our clothing in front of strangers wasn’t as intimidating as we initially thought.
We spent the evening exploring the club, floating in the pool, and observing other guests. That night, we took a small but exciting step by playing together in view of others. Over the next few days, we had deep conversations about what we experienced, how we felt, and what we wanted to explore next.
Baby Steps Toward Exploration
A couple of weeks later, we returned to Oasis with a clearer idea of what to expect. We discussed our boundaries beforehand and ended up playing next to a couple we met in the pool, exchanging light touches and kisses between the women. Each visit, we allowed ourselves to loosen our boundaries a little more—always taking baby steps, followed by debriefs to ensure we were both comfortable.
Within a few visits, we progressed from female-female play to soft swapping (non-PIV) with other couples, eventually moving on to same-room group play.
Feeling Comfortable: “We Got This!”
After about 10 visits over six months, we felt more comfortable in the lifestyle. We developed a set of boundaries that worked for us, including:
- Same-room play only: We had to be together during any activities.
- One-time play rule: We only played with people once to avoid catching feelings.
- No opposite-sex makeouts: Kissing with the opposite sex was something we kept for ourselves as primary partners.
Exploring Beyond the Club: Home Visits
With a solid foundation, we decided to seek connections outside of the club environment. This opened up new conversations:
- How do we vet potential partners?
- How do we handle having strangers in our home?
- What do we do if we don’t vibe, or if they overstay their welcome?
- What can we expect going to someone else’s home?
Fortunately, our home visits went smoothly. Most people we met were respectful and shared similar concerns, allowing us to navigate this new phase together.
Trying a New Club
Living in the suburbs, it became challenging to trek downtown to Oasis, especially when we played late into the night and missed the last subway, or had parking troubles. So, we decided to try ClubM4, a lifestyle club in Mississauga, just a 20-minute drive away with free parking.
ClubM4 offered a different vibe, more of a nightclub feel compared to the spa-like atmosphere at Oasis. We continued exploring while maintaining our original boundaries.
A Major Rule Change
As we continued meeting couples online, we encountered a single woman we clicked with. We played together once, then again—and again. For the first time, we lifted our “one-time play” rule, allowing ourselves to form a deeper connection with this new partner.
Regular debriefs with my primary partner were crucial in ensuring we were both comfortable with this new dynamic. Though feelings remained friendly rather than romantic, we learned how to manage jealousy more effectively. After all, it’s not about avoiding jealousy but learning how to navigate it.
The Status Quo: A Period of Stability
For the next couple of years, we maintained a period of stability with our rules. We continued to explore the lifestyle by meeting couples, inviting partners over for home visits, and building a solid network of friends in the ENM community.
During this time, we made a few small adjustments:
- We began engaging in full swaps with other couples, where we focused more on one-on-one experiences with other partners.
- We also experimented with attending house parties and visited a lifestyle resort.
Taking the Next Big Step
Eventually, we met a woman with whom I began dating solo, outside of my primary partnership, as well as with my primary partner. This was our first experience with me having a separate relationship, and we communicated even more to ensure everything was going well—especially on my primary partner’s side.
Around the same time, my primary partner started seeing a single guy. This was a new learning curve for us. Unlike our previous experiences with bi women, this dynamic excluded me from some activities, requiring us to tweak our rules and adapt to this fresh challenge.
The Current State of Our ENM Journey
Today, we continue to evolve in our ENM journey. The woman I mentioned earlier is now officially our girlfriend, and we consider ourselves a throuple. This has brought many firsts:
- Our first girlfriend.
- Our first time allowing opposite-sex makeouts.
- My first overnight trips without my primary partner.
- Our first partner to meet our children and my parents.
My primary partner is currently enjoying the freedom of being “poly-single” and embracing the fun of dating new people.
Final Thoughts
Even after six years, our ENM journey continues to evolve. Each experience teaches us more about ourselves and how to grow as partners. I hope our story inspires you to explore, learn, and find what works best for your own relationships.
