When you start seeing a fantastic couple, you go on dates, have fun, and enjoy great experiences. But occasionally, when you want to hang out, you might hear, “Sorry, it’s our date night,” or, “We’re busy with family stuff.” Suddenly, you feel left out.
When people first think about polyamory, they often imagine a non-hierarchical setup—everyone coexisting in harmony, doing everything together, and sharing equal attention. While that sounds ideal, in reality, many poly relationships, including mine, have some degree of hierarchy.
My Experience with Hierarchical Polyamory
Take my polyamorous relationship as an example. We’re happy, and the structure works for everyone involved. Yes, we’re hierarchical.
I’ve lived with my primary partner for six years. We own a home, share financial responsibilities, and handle the day-to-day tasks that come with raising kids—school drop-offs, soccer practice, and more.
Then a new partner enters the picture. We go on dates, enjoy concerts, dinners, and other fun activities. But at the end of the night, she returns to her own life. She enjoys companionship, affection, and quality time without the responsibilities tied to our family unit.
For her, this dynamic is perfect. She moved across the country for school, so she’s focused on her studies and can enjoy the relationship when she has the time—without the distractions of daily family life.
Is Hierarchical Polyamory Toxic?
In my view, hierarchical polyamory isn’t inherently toxic. It may not align with everyone’s preferences, but for some, it works beautifully. The key is open communication and ensuring that everyone feels valued in the relationship. If done right, hierarchical structures can offer stability and flexibility for those involved.
